In the continuing series looking at 5 Ways to Retake Control of Your Life we will take a look at how you can gain confidence by saying no. Previously in this series we looked at Living in the Now. Take a look also at the overview post 5 Ways to Retake Control of Your Life to see how the pieces of the puzzle fit together.

This is a very personal one for me as I know all too well that I am at times too soft for my own good, however the simple truth of the matter is:

People don’t take advantage of you, you allow yourself to be taken advantage of.

I’m not saying you should refuse to help people but rather learn to respect your own limits. Once you’ve done this you will find it much easier to say “No.” to others – in a polite and constructive way of course!

This is not an easy thing to do, I know. It takes some courage to turn someone down especially if that person is used to your compliance.

The ability to say no is a great confidence booster and can be a very quick way to take back control of your life. If handled correctly you will even find yourself commanding more respect from those around you.

Tips for Saying No

• Don’t just say no, empathise. “I understand what you are saying but…”, “I appreciate the thought…”, “Thanks for the invite, unfortunately…”
• Say it with confidence but
• Be respectful,
• Be honest and
• Remain calm. Even if the person doing the asking isn’t.

Further Reading

Eric -  who is a great self-motivator – discussed the very same thing in his excellent post Is People Pleasing Keeping You From Pleasing People. It’s a long post but if, like me this is a tough issue for you it is well worth a read.

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This is a re-publish of a post I made a couple of years ago. However it’s as relevant today as it was back then.

One of my favourite bloggers recently posted an article titled Are You Ready for the Unexpected. A great post for us bloggers but it did get me thinking.

Chris mentions that his family is suffering from some sort of illness and he even states that there is a good chance he will get that same illness. Wrong kind of thinking Chris! The mind controls the body just as the body controls the mind. How can we use this knowledge to bolster our defences?

The Mind Controls the Body

The mind and body are so intrinsically linked that one cannot exist without the other. Nowhere is this more evident than in body movement itself, but how many know that they have a separate nervous system which regulates things like body temperature, heart rate etc. This autonomous nervous system is mostly outside of your control, which is a good thing, just imagine having to think about breathing!

Just how far out of our control is it though? Whilst we don’t need to think about breathing we can hold our breath and we can control certain things like heart rate through our breathing. Indeed breath control is a means of combating anxiety or asthma attacks and is itself a core principle of Aikido.

It stands to reason then that the mind also controls the immune system and we can also affect that with concious thought.

Think Your Way to a Healthier Life

make the decision that you won’t be infected

Instead of thinking that he’s going to catch the same illness as his family, Chris should be telling himself that he will not catch it.

Instead of worrying about that cold going around your office and how it might affect you, make the decision that you won’t be infected.

Yeah but…

Stop. Don’t finish that sentence, banish it from your thoughts. Just as Neo had to accept that there is no spoon or Luke had to accept that there is no why, you have to accept that this does work. You are in more control of your life than you realise.

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This is the 2nd post in a series looking at different ways to live a more balanced life. You can read the first post in the series here.

We humans have a tendency to focus on future events; from the simpler what am I going to have for dinner tonight to the more serious am I going to be made redundant – something which plagued my mind very recently. We also tend to cling onto the past, more so if it was a negative experience which is understandable as our natural instinct is to protect ourselves from unpleasantness. However these distractions will detract from your  positive outlook, some are even outright destructive to your health.

The key is not to allow such thoughts to take up more time than is necessary which is not as easy as it sounds.

Let Go of the Past

Relatively speaking past events are easier to deal with, the first step is to accept that there is nothing you can do to change what happened. That realisation can be a powerful factor in itself, all that is left to do then is to learn from your mistakes (if any).

In a similar vein we need to learn to recognise what future events we can and cannot control and more importantly not to focus on what if scenarios that will never come true.

The following are some exercises I’ve put together graded in order of difficulty. Bronze level is something we can all do regardless of experience. Silver is a slightly more challenging while Gold requires some more time and in some cases effort.

Bronze Medal

1. Sit or lie quietly and comfortably and close your eyes.
2. Try to identify as many sounds as you can.

Silver Medal

The following is an exercise I once read somewhere on developing your intuition.

1. Find a nice comfortable spot to sit in. Close your eyes and focus on your breathing. The key here is to empty your mind. Try to recognise a stray thought when it enters your mind and imagine it being washed away by a river.
2. After a minute or two answer the following without thinking about it, “How am I feeling?”
3. You can change the question and/or act on your answer accordingly. Trust your instincts.

Gold Medal

Do part 1 of the Silver medal exercise daily. Start off slowly, no more than a few minutes and gradually build from there. Don’t worry about when or by how much, you will know.

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In our everyday hectic lifestyles it can be easy to lose track of not only where we (currently) are but who we are – something which can have disastrous consequences. This “loss of control” is not a very pleasant feeling and if left unchecked can lead to increased stress levels and even panic attacks. It will also negatively affect our relationships with others. The following 5 tips are things I have picked up that can help you retake control of your life. They are:

• Live in the now.
• Don’t be taken advantage of.
• Be true to yourself.
• Be patient.
• Take up Aikido.

Over the coming weeks I hope to break each of these down further in their own detailed posts and give some examples of how to integrate them in your daily life.

Putting It Into Action

As with any change you wish to make, integrating these tips into your daily routine can be overwhelming especially psychologically. This is why it’s best to start with small changes and build yourself up until it all becomes second nature.

If you’re anything like me you’ll also find some tips far easier to implement than others. Personally I’m a very patient person but I do find it hard to say no and consequently end up being taken advantage of. Together though we can work through our shortcomings and hopefully improve our lives.

Finally as we journey together, please do feel free to share your own tips and stories in the comments section.

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You can learn a lot from cartoons. Take Edna Mode here from Pixar’s The Incredibles. As costume designer for the superheroes you can be forgiven for thinking she has a fast paced, stressful job. Indeed she moves along very quickly, both physically and verbally taking little notice of what people are trying to tell her!

Amidst her myriad of one liners is the following,

I never look back, darling, it distracts from the now.

It’s true that whenever we are stressed about something it’s almost always something that happened in the past or something that may happen in the future.

Let Go of the Past

Another favourite quote of mine comes from Shakespeare’s Macbeth; “What’s done is done and cannot be undone”

No matter how much we want to, we cannot change the past. Instead we must learn from any mistakes, cherish the memories but ultimately let it go.

On the same front we cannot truly affect the future. Look at it this way; if there’s a problem and there is no solution, then there is no point worrying about it. If you have a problem and there is a solution, then there is no point worrying about it.

I’ll leave you with one more quote, this one from Plato:

No human thing is of serious importance

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